A letter...
It's been a while since I've posted here, needless to safe life has gotten a bit hectic and has left me exhausted for the most part. I'll dive into that in a later post, but for now I wanted to share this.
Dear little Christopher,
There's so many things I want to tell you that I don't even know where to start. I know that everything feels uncertain, that everything can change in a heartbeat and how that drives your need to be prepared. I know how hard it is on you to not only question why your dad isn't around, but to refuse the explaination given by the woman who brought you here. That's actually one of your best qualities, to question and challange perceptions, that's your soul seeking knowledge, understanding. However, I know you don't feel that way, as that hard headed curiosity got you into a lot of painful situations that encouraged you to hide your light.
That feeling that you're different from everyone else? That feeling is correct, but the negativity surrounding it isn't. All of us are unique, from the paths we walk through life that shape us to our genetic coding, there isn't a single human exactly alike. Understand that conformity isn't the answer, that folding yourself up into a mold crafted by others costs more then it pays. Wear your differences with pride, as a rallying flag to lead your people home, but beware of those who will try to stiffle your shine. Your desire to write, to sing, to draw and act, pour your heart into those mediums, allow those talents to grow and flourish, as that is where true understanding lies.
Don't let others take the reigns for you, don't waste time pursuing pathways motivated by gaining acceptance. You weren't destined to tread the same old pathways, you are meant to burn your own way forward. The dream of stability, comfort, peace, it is not found for you down those roads. Not to say that they don't provide value, but your frame was built for mountainous terrain, not asphalt. The sooner you recognize and accept this, the better.
In your life you will come across people that will profoundly change you and your perspective of the world, of life. All of these people, sans one, will not be in your life for it's entirety, don't allow yourself to become comfortable with their presence and instead cherish every moment and interaction you have with them while they're there. People who, despite having no blood connection, feel like family, like home. Know that departures don't have to reflect your value, that when you find others who sail like you do that it is almost expected to travel different currents at some point. Know that you will carry the spirits of these people forward with you, even if you desire not to.
Know that a good portion of those depatures will be caused by yourself, opportunities given to learn and offer up self-forgiveness. Don't ruminate on the rejection and let it tailspin you into dejection, for that only leads to a deeper hole to climb out of. Don't hold onto the mistakes made, that only fuels the voices saying you're worthless and stupid. Instead, learn from your mistakes and implement the changes needed, never stop fighting for what you want even if it means fighting yourself. Those voices aren't even yours anyways, those were placed there by the very people responsible for your wellbeing, and just as those people have no idea who you are, neither do those thoughts.
I am writing this to you, for it is time for me to close your chapter of my life. Your brilliantly blonde hair, your excitible demeanor, your intense curiosity and love for this world are things I thought I had lost. But I have found your flame once again. With me I will carry you far away from this hell, nurture you and get your fire roaring again. But to do this, we must look forward, and that starts with seeing just how far away we already are from those demons that haunt us. We mustn't look backwards, we're going to step forward one step at a time, you and I kiddo, for this might be our only opportunity in this flesh.
Know that those who purposely broke you down will face their own demons in time. It isn't your duty to ensure they're treated fairly, as they've already set themselves on paths where they'll get what they deserve. Understand that they, just like you, are flawed, and despite how much you may want to help them repair the damage they have done to you, that you can only help those who want to be helped. Learn from their mistakes and missteps and apply that knowledge to how you lead your life, how you treat others and how you show up on this planet. Know that their treatment of you had more to do with themselves and their own demons then you, and don't allow them to strip you of what makes you unique.
And lastly, know that I have missed you, have always loved you, and that I'm incredibly grateful for finding you again. Know that I am deeply sorry for what you will face, but that those events don't define you and that you don't have to succumb to the feelings they invoke. Know that the values and views they impose on you aren't yours, that it's okay to not conform, to be unique. Know that now that I've found you, that your vastly different colored feathers are going to be worn proudly, as we are now stepping forward as ourselves. Know that this stepping forward isn't only for your sake, but also for the sake of your family, of the son you never in a million years anticipated having. Know that you can ease that weight off your shoulder, that everything is going to be okay, that you are finally safe.
With all the love,
Older Chris