Am I Old Yet?
Today I turned 31 years old, and by all means being here for this long should result in a celebration. However, my birthdays have always been weird.
I haven't felt like I've aged since I turned 21, a decade ago. But even before that, it wasn't even really feeling like I was older, but rather I was closer to obtaining the freedom that I assumed came with adulthood. But mentally, I've felt very little growth or changes from when I was a kid about to enter into puberty. That's because I had to grow up really quick with the experiences I had. It showed with others saying I was very mature for my age or that I came off as older than I actually was.
Growing up for my birthdays I'd get something I explicitly asked for, and we'd go out to eat, usually hibachi or Red Robin, and if there were a Canes game on then I would watch that all the way through. Or I'd be doing late night gaming with the friends I had back then. As an adult, however, my birthday has become something that for the most part I don't want to celebrate. Because we're broke, and it just means spending money that could be put to better use elsewhere, or because I can't have the people I want involved the way I want them involved, or whatever reason my mind can conjure up. It's honestly probably because I never expected to live this long, here's your trigger warning.
Trigger Warning: Mental Health, SI
Birthdays growing up for the most part felt like bad attempts and reconciliation for what I went through, without recognition of what I went through. Like buying something for somebody so they won't snitch is how it felt, let me buy you x, y and z so you pretend a, b and c didn't happen. My problem is that I never forget, I know how to mask and act like everything's fine, but internally I ruminate on things that happened decades ago, things that allow this inner anger to continue to linger. As an adult I've learned how to put a cap on it, but it definitely seems lately that it's getting close to popping loose, and there's going to be quite a few people that don't like me if that happens.
That's why I keep going back to wanting to get involved in music. I look at artists like Mac Miller, Kendrick Lamar, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Killers, and see how they translate their lived experiences, their pain, into these artistic masterpieces and yearn to do that. To turn my hurt into something beautiful, or something that others could relate to, that they could toss on when they feel lonely and know that they're not alone in that. I've always wanted to be involved in music, ever since I was in 2nd grade in the after-school trailer dancing and singing along to Britney Spears (no, I'm not ashamed), but my hangups are the same with anything I pursue.
I compare myself to others heavily. I didn't grow up believing I had inherited value, instead my value was based on my behavior and how I was able to do what others wanted. That's what my entire personality was built on: feeling valueless unless I'm providing something to someone, and then even what I have to provide has to be more than what others can in order to assure security. So when it's come to the countless times I've thought about doing anything, let alone writing and recording something, it always comes down to "how does this compare to what others have already put out?" And it's never a good comparison.
This is the year I break cycles. This is the year I finish breaking down this horrible personality I've built and start building something different, better, something that's me. This is the year I finally stop holding onto all of this shit internally, so if you happen to be somebody that's hurt me, I would be afraid. Scorpio season is here, and some from my past know just how scary I can get. Here's some lines as a teaser.
on the surface you don't see shit though just slight nervousness is all I'll show but I'm done feeling worthless so low I go go hide in your churches I'm coming for your throat how you going to be a man of God and a child abuser those beatings won't be forgotten fuck how you maneuver wasn't able to make the squad so no Super Troopers turned to leaving knots and sulking on the computer
On another note, I've got a comment system setup. It's ugly at the moment, but I'm going to be making it look pretty, but I figured since this is my social media replacement that it makes sense to have some sort of comment system.
Until next time.
