I owe an apology, it's been too long since I've posted to this. Of course, this hasn't because of a lack of wanting, rather our summer was pretty steadily busy and finding the time to do so wasn't easy. When I did find the time, however, I kinda stumbled as to what I actually wanted to share until deciding I'd come back to it later, which always means it's up on the shelf until I remember a couple weeks later. That's one thing that's always been a pitfall of sorts for me, questioning the value of what I may want to write and create and share and trying to anticipate reactions, it always ends up with me undervaluing my interests, hobbies, and ultimately myself, which then turns into avoidance.
In fact, avoidance seems to be how I handle a lot of things, and it's not a behavior that I'm proud of and have been actively working on correcting. The avoidance to me isn't in regards to problems or issues that I may have with anyone, the avoidance is to allowing myself to open up out of fear. Fear of judgement, condemnation and rejection, because I'm quite aware of how I'm different and where those differences lie. Difference is something I embrace, I've always enjoyed getting to learn about other people's experiences and opinions and how they see the world, it has just been very rare to have that sort of acceptance and desire for understanding returned. And when it was, I eventually became burdensome and had those significant individuals shove me out of their lives, so it's understandable why I would develop a habit for being guarded.
I'm tired of it though. I'm tired of missing having those sorts of connections and friendships that keep me ruminating about things that happened over a decade ago. I'm tired of questioning if this person knew I felt this way about x, if they'd be cool about it or if it's going to be an issue, I'm tired of feeling like there's always something about myself that's going to disappoint or infuriate somebody else, I'm tired of feeling like I have to constantly chase social safety. I just want to be me, with my quirks and differences that might make people uncomfortable but is devoid of any malicious intent. But I also don't want those differences to leading to the falling out with significant people in my life, all of whom I want to have better relationships with, relationships where I can actually let myself show up.
So I guess I'm just going to rip the band-aid off then. I'm a husband and a father, but I am also a part of the LGBTQA+ umbrella as I am demisexual, which is a fancy label saying that my attraction is emotional instead of physical. I don't believe that nudity is inherently sexual or immodest, and have wanted, for years, to incorporate naturism into my life, believing that connecting with nature in such a fashion would bring about self-acceptance and positivity. I have also held sex and sexuality as special interests since I was a kid, having been shown Playboy magazines by a classmate in 2nd grade and becoming fascinated with trying to understand not just what I had seen, but why I had seen it in the first place. This interest form wasn't perverted in nature, it was curiosity that's built over the course of my life to the point where I've questioned if becoming a sex therapist would be a good fit for me. From my perspective, sexual identities, sexuality, behaviors, everything that goes into those aspects cast light on the deeper parts of any given person's being, it is very much a potential window to understanding somebody on a deeper plane to me.
I am not liberal or republican, I believe both sides of the aisle (save Bernie Sanders and AOC) have sold us out. I am not religious, I don't deny that there may be a higher being and I don't hold having faith against anyone who does, but I see the amount of pain and loss that has come at the cost of competition ideologies over the course of human history (and especially what's happening right now) alongside the contradictions between morals, faith, and actions that I just simply don't want to get involved with any of that. I am deeply disturbed that we're openly targeting and disappearing people based upon nothing more then skin tone, and that this is something being perpetuated by predominately white men, men who look like me. In fact, the number of white people I interact with on a daily basis that actively support the hostile actions taking place in this country is so unsettling to me, that I've had moments where I've wanted to flee.
I don't believe that capitalism is inherently evil, I do believe that the current undoing of our checks and balances to consolidate power has weaponized capitalism and that is evil. When you have whole political parties brainwashing people into believing that billionaires that have more wealth then they could spend in their lifetime need tax breaks while also criminalizing homelessness and building internment camps in the middle of the Everglades, that's evil. That's creating an understanding that humanity is something that can be removed from anyone. If you're a woman, you don't have a guaranteed right to your body anymore, if your skin tone is brown they're going to try to deport you to wherever regardless of your citizenship status and criminal history, if you're autistic you're going to be put in a medical database while having your social benefits axed, if you protest you're a rioted or domestic terrorist and are trying to burn whatever city down. There are a slew of examples from just this year alone of people having their humanity stripped from them, and it's appalling and incredibly disappointing. How can so many people so easily forget that regardless of all of our differences, we are all human beings?
I've written this while hopefully bouncing back from catching CoVID. I wouldn't wish this virus on anyone, it just wants to drag on and on, and in this current economy ain't nobody got time for that. I hope all of you are doing well, and if you haven't already, consider what you can do to identify and combat problems arising in your neck in the woods, or at the very least what you can do to spread some hope and positivity. Things already suck, but common sense says they're gonna get worse.
Until next time.
