Live from Mars

Just some thoughts I've pondered on today that I wanted to share.

Grief is an interesting, intense feeling. That sounds so incredibly detached, but I've stopped questioning and have accepted that I'm just simply going to carry the ghosts of people I used to know around with me. These are people that aren't actually dead, but rather our connection died, people that I grieved the lost of. But I've never allowed that emotion to run it's course, it gets to a point where I force it to go away, be it by telling myself to never say never or to just try to completely repress and move forward. It never works though, it could be something minute like a band or a place, could be a daydream or situation, or seemingly from nothing at all, all of those neglected emotions try to break free. And just like me, those emotions are intertwined complexly. I can't just remember something good and find happiness in it, it drags along sadness and pain and anger and resentment and all of this other crap with it. Layers upon layers upon layers, one memory leads to another to another like a highlight real of the significant emotional moments until I quiet it out and question what is wrong with me. It's made me realize that some of the things I was attached to, like dumping an absurd amount of time into Halo, or wanting to specifically be a web developer, weren't actually to those things, but the people associated with them. And of course that goes back to the uncompleted grieving process, from fear of just simply feeling how I feel about the departures of those people from my life.

See, men and emotions are stupid. It isn't our fault as we're raised to fit the mold of masculinity, which heavily focuses on not showing weakness or vulnerability which emotions precisely are, but it also sorta is because we're the ones that have imposed and abide by this ideal. Chances are you're among men carrying a lot of weight when you're out in public, fearing that if they were to show their sadness or their pain they'd have their manliness stripped from them. Excuse my language, but that's fucking dumb. Every single one of us, regardless of whatever stupid label you want to affix to what is ultimately a human being, goes through the mud through our lives. But of course this is just a part of a bigger problem with gender stereotyping overall, a tool of conformity that makes a lot of people feel like shit for just simply being human.

I've been pondering God a lot over the past few months. I think with recognition of just the sheer amount of experiences I've had in life that I've gotten a sense of feeling protected. Being honest it's not one I completely trust, I do fear that I will spontaneously lose my marbles at some point and this could be a part of it, but knowing that I ultimately won't ever know what or who is beyond this life allows me to explore that possibility. There are a lot of points in my life where I thought I was broken, where others thought I was broken, but I didn't actually break. I managed to emerge from situations and dynamics that are similar to those who made others do terrible things with my core intact. Profoundly scarred, absolutely, but intact nevertheless. My Christian family members would say that angels were watching over me, and while it's hard for me to place belief in that, it is a nice thought that I could be now feeling what I desperately wanted to feel in those circumstances, protected, safe.

Regardless of my religious beliefs, I believe that every one of us deserve to not just feel safe, but to be safe. However, America is feeling less and less safe by the hour at this pace. The amount of people that are going to witness their friends, their family members, their parents and spouses and children being shipped off to what is a modern day concentration camp to likely never return is absolutely heartbreaking. The amount of people that enabled and support this, they break my heart too. I think that we're all born with empathy, we're all born with a natural instinct to care about the people and things around us in this world and life, and that it is our experiences utilizing that empathy that determines if it does or doesn't carry forward with us through life. Hurt people hurt people, and it is just absolutely saddening that the state of our country has gotten to this point. Things don't just happen for no reason, our reality is cause and effect, and it is just clear as day at this point just how many of us are truly damaged goods. I wish people would just learn to "love thy neighbor" instead of disemboweling them for perceived offenses, but I guess that's just not fundamental anymore.

Until next time.