Where've You Been, Casper?

That's a very good question. For the past almost-3-years, I've been in self-imposed isolation to the point where I've had a few people reach out to see if I was still alive. So, to say I went ghost is an understatement - I practically disappeared off the face of the Earth, and that truthfully deserves an explanation. So, let me just cut to the chase.

I'm autistic. Autism often has comorbidities, especially in undiagnosed circumstances (hi me), and I believe in my circumstances that those are CPTSD and BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder. I was previously diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder by my then-primary care provider in 2020, however upon doing my own research into MDD and GAD shortly after being diagnosed, I began to feel that those didn't offer up a full explanation, that I was having consistent and persistent symptoms that fell outside the scope of those two disorders. And with that I began to try to piece together what did make sense, and this is the answer that makes the most sense to me.

I won't put a large table documenting every symptom I have that corresponds to ASD, CPTSD and BPD, but I do ask if you have the time and want to learn more, to check out these articles:

• ASD Symptoms in Adults
• BPD Symptoms in Adults
• PTSD Symptoms in Adults
• Difference between CPTSD and PTSD

ASD and CPTSD have a lot of similarities despite having different causes, CPTSD being the result of continual traumatic experiences such as childhood abuse, and the cause of ASD not really being known, but it's generally understood that there's typically a genetic component. Often times in adults, ASD is confused for CPTSD and vice versa because of their outward facing similarities. However, there are symptoms I experience that don't overlap, and that alongside the multitude of traumatic experiences I've had over my life make me feel that I have both. To add to that, BPD is incredibly similar to CPTSD in some aspects, however a key trait of BPD is black-and-white thinking (all good or all bad,) and is something that I've had for as long as I can remember.

Now, I know you're probably like "okay dude, you got mental health issues, shouldn't that make you lean more into your support systems?" You would think so, but unfortunately my brain doesn't operate that way. Instead, the more I processed and tried to piece things together, the more I felt a loss of self. When I started connecting that I have x behaviors because of y conditions (masking), my reaction was to feel ashamed, to make myself out to be damaged goods that just further spreads damage, and to convince myself that I had to fix myself before I could entertain the thought of being social again. And that shame brought with it fear, fear of being rejected without the mask, or dismissal and rejection of my self-diagnosis, or my explanation, etc. Not to mention the lack of understanding and stigma that exists around ASD and BPD and how either have one of those can substantially shift how you're perceived negatively, let alone both.

There's a lot more that I could cover, I could do a deep dive analysis with 200+ bullet points of why I believe I have these disorders, but at the end of the day this is what makes the most sense to me, and I have no control over whether you, dear reader, accept it, or critique it, or dismiss it all together.

With that being said, I want to offer up my sincerest of apologies to anyone and everyone that my disappearance has affected. I fully expect a lot of bridges to be completely burnt. I'm not offering this up with expectations of things continuing like nothing happened, but rather an explanation showing that it wasn't anything that anyone did, or because of feeling x, y, or z about anyone. All of this has just been incredibly difficult to process, especially with the nonstop pace of life, and has weighed very heavily on me. Regardless of if we'll continue interacting or not, I sincerely hope that you all are doing well, making life what you want it to be, and I'll always be thankful for getting to have you in my life, and I sincerely hope that I can bring all of you back into my life. But, because I am also still in the thick of figuring myself out, I am going to be operating in a way that is different than I have previously, and I recognize that might not mesh with everyone, and that's okay.

So why did I set this blog up? Social media isn't good for my mental health. My disorders like to latch on to comparing myself to others, where I always feel I fall short, or create expectations about what I'm supposed to share and how, and it's something that my mind turns into a weapon against myself far too easily. So I've set this up as a replacement, instead of having a Facebook profile I'm going to have a private blog, so that way I don't have to do mental gymnastics to share what I want to share. Obviously, you should expect that I'm going to delete my social media accounts soon, so if you're planning on keeping up with me, I'd bookmark this or subscribe to the RSS feed. If you text or call me, chances are you're not going to get an immediate response, but now that I've put all of this out here, I will definitely respond when I'm physically/mentally able to do so, just please have understanding that I'm literally relearning who I am.

Last but not least, if you read through all of that, have absolutely no idea who I am but for some reason want to learn more, I want to give my gratitude and fix that. My name is Chris, and since I started playing Halo back in 2005 I've gone by the alias Blinding (in one form or another) online. I'm in my early 30's, happily married, and have a kick ass son who I'm pretty sure is going to end up towering over me when he's a teenager. I'm into the deeper topics of discussion (societal norms, religious beliefs, possibilities of space, etc,) the only sport I willingly watch is hockey, and I grew up on Pokemon, Sonic, and Halo. I'm pretty good with devices, having built desktop computers, repaired smartphones and tablets, and know my way around languages like PHP and Python. I believe that the point of life is the pursuit of happiness, and that as a species we are failing one another with our heightened focus on causing division instead of embracing unity. Expect posts on here to cover a wide range of topics, ranging from what the JWST recently captured to lyrical breakdowns of songs that are important to me to whatever I happen to discover that gets me all rizzed.

Until next time.